My Body Is a Wonderland
(A Lesson in Self Love)
By: Katie Jay, MSW, National Association for Weight Loss Surgery
Ive always thought Id like yoga, but I had an experience last week (during my third yoga class) I hope I never forget.
I had attended two yoga classes before the one last week. My first class was the day after I tried cardio dance for the first time. I think I was depleted. Im not sure I ate enough calories that day given the amount of exercise I had done. And the yoga just felt awful.
Partly, I was envious of the other people in the class who looked slim and comfortable in their skin. I felt dumpy and embarrassed in my exercise clothes.
While no one stared, I was sure people were judging me about something. My big butt, my wobbly arms, my folds of skin, my age, anything negative I could come up with.
I think I was sad realizing I have an older body now, and the last time I did yoga (years ago) I had been more flexible. Yes, I was grieving the younger body I lost to obesity and time.
To make matters worse, I now had very poor balance, still trying to compensate for the huge body I no longer have.
The second class was better. I cant say I loved it, but I felt better than I did the first time not so awkward and not so focused on how my droopy body looked in my exercise clothes.
I was able to balance on one foot for a few seconds. Progress.
To get ready for my third yoga class, I shopped for a new exercise outfit. I didnt try it on at the store. I just pulled a medium off the rack, knowing it would fit and probably be a bit big.
The morning of class I put the outfit on and realized it was skin tight. Oh no! As I looked in the mirror at home I decided that because the yoga room is dimly lit, and because I didnt want to make excuses, I would go to class anyway and just deal with the embarrassment.
After all, I live in embarrassment most of the time anyway.
The class began with a lit candle and a humming sort of music that touched my soul. I moved through the sun salutation and realized I could do it with ease.
As we twisted to do a triangle position, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. There I was in the sea of bodies attending the class and I realized that if I was someone else looking on, I would not even have noticed me.
I looked like everyone else. Not better, not worse. I was just like them.
Realizing I was not sticking out like a sore thumb struck me at a very deep level and Im not even sure why. It must have been the idea of fitting in, which I must have always longed to do.
I also realized that my tight clothes allowed me to really feel where in space my body was, and allowed me to move in a completely unrestricted way.
It felt great to be exposed and at the same time indistinguishable from the others in the class.
At the end of class we did a meditation. I floated away, more relaxed than I have been in 20 years. The kind of relaxed that only comes when there is no self consciousness.
I experienced a nirvana I dont think many people with eating disorders such as mine ever experience.
And then, I started to cry. Right there in the yoga class! As the lights came up and people started to leave I sat there wiping away my tears, feeling surprised at my emotion and oddly elated.
The yoga teacher looked at me questioningly. I found myself saying to her, Im not sure, but I think this is first time in 20 years Ive really been in my body.
Being in my body, for me, meant to be without shame and self consciousness. I had no need to mentally leave. I was completely, 100%, present.
This morning, as I looked in the mirror after my shower, I saw my empty folds of skin. The scars trumpeting my battle with obesity. And then, looking closer, I saw my body. The shape my muscles give it. The leanness underneath. The power in it.
My body is a wonderland.
