Midlife Crisis with WLS?
(Or Knowing Ones Self)
By: Teresa Dunn, Celebrate Vitamins
Is This What we call a MidLife Crisis? Do I get a Harley?
On July 24th of this year, I turn 40. Thinking back 21 years ago when my mom turned 40, I thought she was the oldest person in the world. How could MY MOM be 40? Here we are 21 years later. When my mom turned 40 I donât recall her having a midlife crisis. When my ex-husband who I refer to a my wasband turned 40 he got a new girlfriend and started taking trips on the Harley.
That was in 2001 and since then; I have had so many life altering events happen. On September 11, 2001 a catastrophe happened in the US. Our World Trade Center, the twin towers and the Pentagon were bombed using our own aircraft. Talk about weapons of mass destruction it was our OWN machinery that hit the buildings causing utter chaos.
At the time, my life was in such a shamble given my general life patters, that I identified 911 as somehow being my fault. Talk about guilt and shame playing tricks on oneâs mind.
On Feb. 10, 2002 my divorce became final, and I was devastated. Yes, my marriage was horribly abusive and yes he had an affair. However, I was angry that I had married this man, and stayed with him, only for him to leave me that I was angry and vowed to get him back.
On June 23, 2003 we remarried. On June 28, 2003, I was in a SUV roll over that totaled my car. A deer jumped the guard rail as I traveled a long winding WV road, spinning my SUV (appropriately a Pathfinder) into a tailspin. My 385 pound body was sent hurling through the sunroof as the vehicle was flung into a tree, leaving me trapped.
To this day, I donât know if I was trapped 10 minutes or 2 hours, time stood still. A reality moment occurred when after realizing I wasnât injured, I still thought death would have been better than knowing after they cut my vehicle away with the jaws of life, it was going to take 7 adults to hoist my obese body onto a stretcher.
All I could do was cry and apologize for my size as they sweat and strained to lift me.
All the while my husband screaming at me as I lay trapped that I had torn up the car. This very moment, I realized I had made a horrible mistake in remarrying him, and I vowed to back up and change things.
On September 11, 2003 I had bariatric surgery and have lost 235 pounds since that day, and I have maintained it. That wasnât the hard part. The hard part was realizing this surgery healed my body, but it actually made my life worse. My husband had gotten more jealous, I searched harder outside myself for love and validation, and I could not medicate the emotions as my pouch was too small.
After a few years of battle, I realized to see the change in life that I wanted to see. I had to BE the change. At the age of 36 and had never even SEEN the airport much less flown, I agreed to fly to Las Vegas for the ASMBS conference regarding bariatric surgery. Susan Maria Leach with BariatricEating had asked me to represent her company, I was honored. On January 19, 2006 I drove to the airport and set out to fly the friendly skies.
At the time, I had been a nurse for 17 years, and had only driven outside of WV twice and that was to North Myrtle Beach and Dollywood. Here I was a 36 year old post op in Vegas.
My unique talent to tell my story and speak with surgeons landed me a job at BariatricEating, and I threw my things in my car and set out driving into the sunset heading for Florida. Most of my driving had been on dirt roads, or narrow two lane roads so you can imagine my shock at driving in Fort Lauderdale and Miami.
However, I am not easily dissuaded and very quickly I caught on. Now, I wouldnât hesitate to rent a car in NYC, Mexico or anywhere else I might venture. Things were going along quite nicely in Florida when in 2008 I realized my body was at a normal weight and long healed from the bariatric surgery. My mind and spirit not so much, and it seemed a divine intervention would have to take place before something drastic happened.
The thoughts of taking my own life had entered my mind, and only by the grace of divine intervention would I have the opportunity to treat my bariatric surgery holistically and work to heal the mind and spirit as well.
On July 2, 2008 (Independence day) was my first appointment with a local therapist. There was a thunderstorm that day here in Florida (those of you that experienced our storms know what I mean) there were sheets of rain, with lightning and thunder and all the traffic lights were out, yet I kept driving. I opened the door and had no umbrella, and the water was standing in the parking lot almost to my knees. I took off my heels, and treaded the water , my soul was being called to show up for that appointment and my body was doing its best to honor that. This was the beginning to healing that I had never expected.
When the elevator door opened my therapist was standing at the desk as she wondered if I would be able to make it, and we looked at each other and at the same time said âthere you areâ. The promise that she made in that visit was to support me as I discovered who I am, and support me in being that person. She said to me, I wonât make decisions for you, nor will I influence them, when you are at a crossroads I will tell you what is likely to happen if you turn left, as well as what might happen if you turn right. She informed me the direction was my decision, but she would be there to listen and support me no matter what turn I made. Being fully aware that my 40th birthday is approaching, and not wanting to make an impulsive decision I slowed down long enough to put great thought into my future. When it occurred to me I needed change in my life, in many aspects. In order to grow sometimes we have to be willing to let go of whatâs in one hand to see what we can grab with the other. Of course there is a great sense of security in clutching onto whats in your hand, and a fear of letting go not knowing if you can land your grip firmly on what you are reaching for. I imagine this is the exact feeling the trapeze artist feels as he begins to let go of his grip to reach for the oncoming trapeze.
On May 3, 2010 my youngest daughters 18th birthday I resigned from my 4 year position at BariatricEating. It was a conscious decision, even though many of my friends are there including Susan Maria, whom I have even called my adopted sister. The last week, I have spent getting to know myself even more and going deep inside to âfind my inner Dollyâ has been a remarkable experience.
In my therapy session Thursday, we discussed how legally with all these life change it would be normal to experience a bit of depression. YOU KNOW THAT scale where you get so many points for a new marriage, quitting a job, getting a new job ect. With all the changes in the last 6 weeks that range from quitting a job, getting a new job, having not only a birth but TWO births in my family in the past year to starting an educational programâŠ.. I am not depressed at all.
Instead I am being aware of each feeling that comes up, acknowledging it, and experiencing it and letting it flow. I am also honoring who I am, instead of changing me to fit the mold of what others want me to be.
Last Sunday, I took a ride across alligator alley with friends, there were 9 of us and I am the second of two Teresaâs, and everyone was trying to think of a nickname for me, and then asked what do you want to be called and I replied âTeresaâ thatâs who I am. (I thought to myself I have been Dolly, Miss Dolly and even T and miss T) and its time to be me!
So while it may seem to some I am having a midlife crisis, I would say itâs more of an intervention.
I leave you with one thought.. The world will tell you who you are UNTIL you tell the world.
