Affirming Our Right to Be Less Than Perfect

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We have witnessed for years that chronic dieters and weight loss surgery patients come to feel that they must be perfect in their food and exercise regimes as they strive for the body of their dreams. Dieters believe that if they stray from the straight line of their eating plan, then all is lost. Francine came to us explaining that she can make smart food choices for a day or two and then finds herself reverting to eating everything in site. She is frustrated that at first she seems to be doing well, and then can’t sustain her commitment.

In the FACE Weight Loss Program action tele-group, we problem solved with her and asked her to reflect on what she was thinking, as she approached the task of making her food choices. We reviewed her typical day that started out in a positive direction and ended in frustration. It turned out that yesterday was one of the days that she abandoned her eating plan. At lunch, she recalled she had chosen to eat a tuna fish salad with all her favorite greens and a balsamic vinaigrette dressing. She was in the cafeteria of the insurance company where she works, and was sitting with a colleague who offered her some of his French fries. Who can resist crispy french fries? So, thinking that just a few would not hurt, Francine had some french fries, and then found herself in the break room at 3:00 in front of the snack machines buying some chips. She had not been tempted to do this old behavior for days. By the end of the evening, she had consumed a variety of high calorie foods and felt discouraged and confused.

This is probably a familiar scenario. What makes it hard to be consistent in our food plans? How many times has your day been going well, only to find yourself eating something “off “the plan and saying to yourself, “Oh well, today is shot, so I might as well eat whatever I want. I’ll restart tomorrow, or better yet, next week.” You are either sticking to the food plan, or off it, and once you “blow” it, you may as well eat everything in sight until the next time you find the motivation to give it another try. Of course, the problem as we know all too well, is that this pattern repeats itself the next day, and before we know it we have been unable to be consistent with our food choices for months. Along with any weight we may have gained over these months, the more significant problem is how entrenched our black and white thinking has become. We have heard our inner voice say over and over,” I blew it, I wasn’t perfect, and if I can’t be perfect, I might as well give up.”

When Francine was in the cafeteria, she was not aware of the chain of thoughts that were triggered by her eating some french fries. The negative self-talk of “I blew it, I am off the track. I didn’t do it right. I can’t stick to the plan. If I can’t do this right (perfectly), I might as well not even try.” Unfortunately, Francine’s black and white thinking that says that you are either perfect on the plan, or a failure, leads her to the impulse to abandon the plan. Years of chronic dieting leads us to black and white thinking, so we need to listen to what we have been saying to ourselves, and scan our thoughts for either or thinking.

While weight loss surgery may help you stay on track with healthy eating for months, there is going to be the inevitable slip. At that point, the perfect vs. failure thinking trap can derail your ability to stick to your goals. Let’s look at another example of how this black-and-white thinking worked—or, more aptly, did not work for Arlene in her struggle to succeed with a comfortable eating plan. After weight loss surgery, Arlene discovered that eating breakfast was an important part of meeting her nutritional goals and emotional needs for food in a new way. She planned to eat a healthy breakfast each day and to eat slowly and chew the food adequately to avoid any digestive problems. She was able to follow this plan for several months. Then, one day, she had a busy morning and ran out of the house without eating. The spell was broken, and she found herself in a major funk, vowing to get back on track the next morning. Well, then the next morning came, and lo and behold, she skipped breakfast once again. She may not have had any idea why this happened, but this is where her perfect vs. failure, either or thinking tripped her up. How can we help counteract this need to “do it perfectly or not at all” that makes us unable to stick to our diet plan?

Reframing Our Thinking

From traditional diets, we have learned that the only road to success is to follow strict guidelines from which we cannot deviate or we will lose control. When we see Francine straying from her plan at lunch, and then overeating the rest of the day, or Arlene repeatedly skipping breakfast, it might seem like the ability to maintain rigid control would be helpful. But, in fact, in order to be able to follow through long-term on healthy diet plans, we need to allow ourselves to be more flexible, and to make some mistakes. We must make goals that leave room for error, and support the awareness that no one can be perfect.

In order to change our perfect vs. failure thinking, at the FACE Weight Loss Program we use a process that we call reframing the thoughts. First, we helped Francine to identify how her pattern of black and white thinking had manifested into a negative inner dialogue in which she said to herself, “I did not stick to the plan at lunch; I have failed and there is no point in even trying.” Then, in our action tele-group, the group brainstormed some positive alternatives to her either-or message. We reframe the thoughts to, “I ate some french fries at lunch, but that happens sometimes. I am doing very well, and I will be able to continue to make smart choices today.” We find that allowing for some imperfection is essential for a better outcome with our eating plan. In order to prevent slipping back into the perfect vs. failure mindset, we must be on the lookout for the old thoughts resurfacing.

Old patterns like to hang on and reframing your thoughts in your mind is often not powerful enough to effectively change our tendency toward either or thinking. We teach people to utilize the FACE Weight Loss Program written affirmation process. We had Francine take a piece of paper and fold it down the middle. On the left side, we had her write the reframed, positive thought: “Even though I ate some french fries, I am doing very well and will be able to continue to make smart choices today.” Then, on the right side of the paper, we suggested that she write her doubts and objections. She came up with the phrase, “I failed and I always fail.” Francine continued rewriting the positive affirmation on the left side of the paper until the voice of her objections on the right side had lost its strength.

We encourage you to use the written affirmation process daily in order to correct the faulty perfect vs. failure thinking and help to bring you the success that you want and deserve.

about joan


Joan Swerdlow-Brandt, MSW is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and Diplomate in Clinical Social Work. Joan is a pioneer in the psychology of overeating, created The FACE® Weight Loss Program in order to share with others the program that helped her successfully resolve her own struggle with weight 30 years ago. She has specialized in the field of addictions working with both eating disorders and substance abuse for over 27 years. In addition to numerous television and radio appearances around the country, Joan has consulted to mental health agencies, schools, colleges, and health care professionals.

about dr. brandt


Dr. Robert Brandt is a Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Brandt has been a national expert in working with people with food addictions since 1980. He has made numerous appearances on national radio and television speaking on the subject of eating disorders and weight management. He has trained many heath care professionals in the subject, and has consulted to colleges and mental health agencies. As a cofounder and director of The FACE® Weight Loss Program, Dr. Brandt conducts regular one-on-one and group phone consultations with people all over the world to coach them on weight loss.

WLS Lifestyles – www.wlslifestyles.com – Copyright 2009

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