Finding My Inner Dolly

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Hello! My name is Teresa White


“And how does that make you feel?” my therapist asked me just last night. “I think I feel

” then I burst out with “Why can’t I just say how I feel? Why is it so hard for me to admit that I feel?”

Her reply a soft spoken “Talk about that, Teresa.” I looked at her and said “I have never been allowed to feel, I have been programmed it’s NOT ok to cry, it’s not ok to hurt or even be angry. It is not ok to BE” “Hell it’s never been okay for me to have an opinion even, much less to voice it”

That is when I realize I have always stuffed food in my face to numb whatever the emotion I was having, I am no longer doing that. But, that leaves me to feel the pain of the emotions. I had numbed myself before weight loss surgery to the point of weighing 375 pounds. I built a wall around me to shield me, now after losing 235 pounds, I feel “exposed”.

There comes a point where eating a whole pizza does not numb the emotion anymore, then what?

My decision to have weight loss surgery came suddenly. As a matter of fact, I was lying on the ground trapped inside my SUV. A deer ran into my path landing against my front passenger side tire sending me spinning and rolling out of control. The impact of hitting the big oak tree jolted every facet of my being. I laid there uninjured but trapped unable to move. As the rescue squad freed me from the wreckage with the Jaws of Life, and 7 strong adults lifted me from the ground, I vowed to not only lose these pounds but to change my life.

I weighed 110 pounds when I met my husband in 1989, and in January 2003, I weighed 375. I am only 5’1” tall. I was building a wall to protect me from the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I was experiencing

That was over 6 years ago, the following September 11 I did have gastric bypass and I became very absorbed with the afterlife of weight loss surgery. I put every effort into losing the weight
 still ignoring the real problem.

I watched the number on my scale move downward; I felt bittersweet happiness inside. I lived in an abusive home, my husband used severe tactics to keep me under control, and just taking the step to have bariatric surgery took much strength and courage for me. Say nothing about going through the after surgery with no support but in addition wanted to sabotage my success.

Even without support, I managed to fight the demon in my head that told me to eat in order to control the emotions and managed to lose the excess weight and get to my goal. I was left with massive amounts of skin that left me with other issues. My insurance covered several of the procedures I needed and during a 6 month period, I went through six surgeries; gall bladder removal and five reconstructive surgeries.

Although I am left with extensive scaring (another story in itself), I am blessed to be free from not only the weight loss but the removal of 16 pounds that was left on my abdomen.

However the healthier I became the more jealous, controlling and abusive my husband became. Keep in mind it wasn’t the physical abuse that was eating away at me, it was having every aspect of my life controlled by someone else.

Three years after my bariatric surgery I woke up and realized my life still sucked. All the things that were causing me to abuse food, were still abusing me! I had a choice I could stay in a hell where I knew the names of the streets, or I could use my will, determination and courage and build a new life.

At the age of 36 years old and never having driven outside of WV, I got up one morning after my husband left for work and packed everything I could fit in my SUV and took off driving to a new home where I could build a new life in Florida.

I never knew I could drive to Florida, or that I could work as an executive in a company, or that I could make it on my own living in an apartment alone. I didn’t know because I believed my husbands words when he said I was fat and stupid.

I didn’t just wake the next day after being a broken sparrow for many years and start soaringI have taken many steps and learned many lessons along the way even over the past 3 years of being away from the relationship. Guess what I still learn each day.

After all, I was only 19 when I married, and had no real life experience or knowledge on what to base real life. Through much therapy, and much work on my own inner strength and vitality I have made great progress in overcoming many fears.

In the past three years of living on my own I have learned many life lessons as well including but not limited to:

1. If the underlying cause of obesity is not addressed, the hunger will return. It’s not always a physical hunger, sometimes it’s the need to feed an emotion. Bariatric surgery is just a tool for weight loss. Success comes with wisdom of how to use the tool, including taking care of the other issues in life.

2. There is no shame or guilt in putting myself first and taking care of my own needs. I don’t need validation or approval.

3. There is no room for a scale in my home; my success is NOT determined by the number on the scale.

4. I must strive to be my own best friend, because in the long run, I can only depend on my choices and I AM responsible for myself.

5. Focus on the positive in the day, strive to see the blessings in your day and not get stuck in the negative. It’s never too late to stop being a victim and be a warrior in life!

6. Bariatric surgery is in itself is a huge change in our physical and emotional structure, life is hard and it’s how we react to it that determines our future. Just like we have to keep the wheels balanced on our car for a smooth ride, we have to go at life in a balanced, grounded manner or the road will be rough!

7. Therapy is a good thing.

8. Unconditional love starts at home, by loving me!

9. If I have the chance to sit it out or dance, I must remember I love to dance!

10. I still love Dolly Parton, she wears what she wants, says what she feels and she doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about it!

Getting to goal weight is not the end; it’s really just the beginning. So in essence I am finding my own “Inner Dolly”!

Hugs,

Teresa ~

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