Lets Talk About Carnie Wilson
By: Teresa Dunn, Celebrate Vitamins
But do you think Im made of stone? Dont you know my pain is real? Dolly Rebecca Parton
I didnt watch Carnie Wilson Unstapled yesterday. There isnt much time for television in my life since my own bariatric surgery. But of course there is lots of buzz in the bariatric community. There is always lots of buzz in the media when there is something negative to portray about the surgery.
I met Carnie Wilson a few years ago in San Francisco at an ASMBS conference in San Francisco. She was taking photos with people and promoting one of her books, CDs whatever it was at that particular time. It was June 2006, and as I was having so many struggles in my own life, it was hard for me to focus on someone elses problems with bariatric surgery. But I am by nature an empathetic and compassionate person, and I stood there listening to her talk about her struggles.
When I looked into Carnie Wilsons eyes, I could see my reflection!
Carnie was born in the public eye, her father being a singer. The cameras and the media have focused on her all of her life. Putting a little thought into this, the media, just like so many other facets of our lives focuses on when we are NOT good enough.
If Carnie Wilson had lost every bit of her weight and managed to keep it off, would we know about it? Would she have every move she makes broadcasted across TV screens in millions of homes?
Reading about last nights show, it says Carnie talked about cross addictions. She admitted to shopping, alcoholism and baking. Her battles were not cured with weight loss sugery, it seems they got worse. Addictions are real; I was addicted not to FOOD, but the comfort I received from food.
Lets talk about that! How was eating TWO Big Macs, Large Fries, and a large Diet Coke comforting? Where was the consolation in eating an entire Little Ceasars Pizza? What did eating a bag of Ruffles do for me? What caused this insatiable hunger and how could I move past this?
Lots of questions, and I wonder how many people think of these questions BEFORE they have surgery? I certainly did not! Being a chameleon is something I had become quite versed in and passing the little physch eval to qualify for surgery was a BREEZE for me! In reality I was not emotionally ready to have surgery.
YES, I did manage to lose well over 200 pounds with my surgery, but believe me when I say a few years into the post op life, I woke up and realized, I NEED HELP! I was becoming hungry again! Sure the surgery had bypassed my intestines leaving me with 40-60% malabsorbtion of not only my caloric intake, but also my nutrient intake. Of course my surgery provided me restriction making my stomach into a pouch the size of an egg. But what my surgery didnt do is fix the wiring from my brain to my stomach. The signal that screams out, Food makes this pain feel better!, was stronger than ever.
Early in my journey I started an online journal. I was hiding my feelings and emotions from my then husband and his girlfriend. Already feeling like I was on display and in high judgement from the two of them, hiding was the thing to do. My onscreen name was Miss Dolly. I chose that because since I have been old enough to sit up, I have loved Dolly Parton. I remember seeing her in person when I was around 2 years old; it seemed to me as if she were an angel at the time. Now being an adult, I KNOW she is an angel!
Miss Dolly (ME) shared it all online, emotions and feelings of hurt and betrayal, but also she started planting seeds and ideas of a better life for herself. Basically my life became a soap opera written in an online journal. I was no where near famous but yet, I felt as if I were in the public eye.
In essence I was doing the same thing I have done all my life! I would eat exactly what I was supposed to, went to the gym sometimes twice a day, and I was a cheerleader for others on line. The excitement each day as the scale dropped was evident in each post, and I realized my excitement and my enthusiasm was not for me and MY success. I was trying to be the chosen one! I wanted to be liked online, for people to look to me for answers since I was doing ALL the RIGHT things.
Keeping that vision in my head, Susan Maria, whom I had already established a internet friendship with, invited me to represent her company at the ASMBS in Orlando. I sat back and dreamed about it for weeks before I came to the conclusion that I could not accept this invitation. Being married to a man who was controlling and abusive would not permit this growth in my life. Sadly enough I allowed it! There were plenty of dreams though, I imagined what I would wear and how I would talk.
All the while journaling that my life was wonderful because the scales were moving down, I could run miles at the gym, I could leg press over 100 pounds; of course, my life is wonderful. The sad truth could only be read between the lines of my journal or by looking into the windows of my soul!
Eventually, I got the nerve to accept one of Susans invitations and I represented MYSELF and her company at the ASMBS in Las Vegas. I worked hard on my own issues and my self esteem and eventually left the abusive marriage. At 6 1/2 years post op, I am maintaining my weight loss. I have no addictions, but I work on my inner self both in therapy and by journaling. This blog is NOT my real life journal. There are somethings one must keep sacred!
I can only imagine how my story would have turned out if I would have been on a televised scale. STOP judging Carnie Wilson! She is one of us, and we have no right to judge her. How about putting a little love in our hearts this morning and having compassion and empathy for a fellow bariatric patient.
Other addicitions could have had happened to anyone of us, and many of us are affected by them. Addictions come in many forms: computer games, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, and even exercise. Some people hide with these addictions. But addicitions are a very REAL thing.
So my thoughts on Carnie Wilson. While I have compassion, I chose not to watch her reality show. There are too many areas of MY life that need tending for me to be concerned with yours. Basically I am responsible for me and my actions, not Carnie Wilsons. I wish her the very best.
Dare to BE who you are! There is no need to have heros! BE your own hero!
Love & Light
~~Teresa~~
